


Borrow Mine

by Donovanspen



Series: Take My Hand [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Accountant Castiel, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Private security Dean Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-18 18:27:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5938507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He proposed, and Cas said 'yes'. This was supposed to be their 'happily ever after'.</p><p> </p><p>"Cas nodded, and his response was heartbreakingly underwhelming. Dean was hoping for relief, happiness, sheepishness, just something other than acknowledgement."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a continuation of a big bang that I wrote a few years ago. I had so much fun writing that story and have always wanted to flesh it out some more. You don't have to read Guarding the Heart to understand this one, but it does provide the foundation for this story.  
> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please feel free to let me know of any typos, and I'll gratefully correct them.
> 
> (I don’t own anything related to Supernatural. Just having fun writing stories.)

Dean scrolled through his list of emails, trying to discern which ones needed immediate action. He had put in over 60 hours for the week, and he was more than ready for a break. He was already doomed to spending a good hour in traffic as rush hour was in full swing. It was times like this when he hated the metro area and wished for a simple drive home.

“Dean, glad I caught you.” His father came into his office and stopped in front of his desk. “I got your message about wanting off of the Sandover projects. Did something happen this past week?”

Other than devoting every minute of his day to the account, no. “Nothing happened. I just don’t think I can do all the travel that’s required. Sandover is so spread out and looking at the projected action plan, I’ll be on the road almost 80% of the time,” he explained.

“What am I missing?” John asked. “When I had you on admin, you did nothing but complain. Now I have you back in the field managing a major client, and you want out.”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Dean admitted. And normally, he’d be the first one to volunteer to take this type of assignment, but his personal life was taking a beating. He’d proposed to Cas a few weeks ago, but with this new client, he hasn’t spent any time with his fiancé. They had made all these plans, and Dean hadn’t been around for any of it. He couldn’t help but feel that he needed to be home right now. “Personal reasons. Now is not a good time for me to be away.”

“Cas,” John sighed.

“It’s not his fault,” he protested, starting to feel defensive. “His back is still messed up, and I just bailed on him. He’s not asking or complaining. I just feel like I need to be with him right now.”

“Dean.” John took a seat in the chair across from his desk. “Maybe this time apart isn’t a bad thing. This job is a part of who we are, and if your relationship can’t handle the demands that come with it, maybe that’s a sign.”

“Are you kidding me?” Dean snapped. “He’s been through a lot of crap, lately, and it’s not too much to ask that I be there for him, which again, he hasn’t asked. He’s been doing all of this on his own, and that’s damn unfair to him. If this was Sam and Sarah, it wouldn’t even be an issue.” He didn’t want to fight, not now. He just wanted to go home. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter what his parents thought. He was the one who had to make it right.

John held up his hand in apology. “Your personal life aside, Sandover is a major account, and we can’t afford to lose it. We’re all making sacrifices here, but I’ll check with Benny and see if he wants to run point on a few tasks. This is not a complete handover,” he clarified when Dean nodded. “You’re still the lead and will be doing the out of town jobs. Benny will just take a few things off your plate here at home.”

It wasn’t great, but he’d take it. Maybe it would be just enough to get them through until Dean could carve out some more time. “I’ll make it work. Thanks, Dad.”

 

 

Despite his best efforts, it was still after midnight before Dean made it home. He’d managed to talk to Cas briefly around dinnertime but then was pulled into another crisis. It was good that the business was thriving. He definitely wanted his family to be financially secure, but he couldn’t help but feel that his relationship with Cas was getting caught in the crossfire.

When he returned home and saw the lights on downstairs, he hoped that Cas had just forgotten to turn them off before heading up to bed. No such luck. His partner was sitting on the sofa, aimlessly flipping through channels. He dropped his bag in the foyer, and the smile on his lips faded when he got a good look at Cas. He saw the little grimace that he tried to hide when he stood to greet him. He saw the tired lines around his eyes and the overall air of fatigue that surrounded him. Still, Dean pasted a smile on his face and opened his arms.

“Boy, you are a sight for sore eyes.” He pulled Cas close to him, keeping his embrace light so as not to put pressure on his back. He burrowed his face into his neck and just breathed in the scent and comfort of him. “Missed you,” he mumbled.

Cas curled around him and just sank into the hug. Dean knew that he was probably annoyed about how much time he’d spent away but wouldn’t say anything right now. He would just hold Dean and allow them to have this moment.

Dean pulled back just enough to capture Cas’ lips in a soft, welcome home kiss. “You didn’t have to wait up, but I’m glad you did.”

“Wasn’t sure when I’d see you again,” Cas replied.

“Well, I’m here now.” Dean gave him a cheeky grin, hoping to avoid an argument. “How about we go upstairs, I’ll take a quick shower and then meet you in the bedroom?” He tried to keep the suggestiveness out of his voice, well aware that Cas probably wasn’t up for much if his back was hurting, but he couldn’t help but crave some intimacy. “I can’t wait to fall asleep with you in my arms.”

Cas was agreeable, but Dean could feel the distance between them. He showered as quickly as he could and entered their room to find Cas already in bed and under the covers. He’d taken off his shirt, and Dean took that as a good sign. Removing his towel from around his waist, he tossed it over towards the hamper in the corner and then crawled in on his side of the bed. He groaned as he eased onto the familiar mattress, so glad to be sleeping in his own bed. He scooted over and spooned up behind Cas, delighted that his partner was indeed naked as well. Not that he’d ever said the words aloud, but naked cuddling with Cas was one of his favorite things to do. He pressed his lips against his shoulder in a soft caress.

“I know you’re mad.”

“I’m not mad,” Cas replied, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I would understand if you were. Sorry I haven’t been around much.”

“It’s fine, Dean. I’ll take care of it.”

“Take care of what? What am I missing?”

“The realtor, Dean,” Cas sighed.

"Oh. Is she giving you a hard time about the cancellations?” Personally, Dean felt horrible about the missed appointments. He and Cas were supposed to be buying their own farm outside of the metro area where they could start their lives together as a married couple. They wanted the wedding to be at their new place, and the honeymoon would be just the two of them getting settled in. Then Winchester Security landed the Sandover account, and Dean had been working nonstop.

“She is getting a little annoyed. We’ve cancelled six times already and now this weekend.”

“This weekend?” Dean said. “I’m not working. I’m all yours, bud.”

Cas made a small sound. “This weekend is Ben’s father-son event.”

“Crap,” Dean muttered. With all the extra hours he’d been putting in, he’d forgotten all about his promise to Ben. There was no way he could cancel on him; the poor kid already got enough of that from his biological father. “I’m sorry, man. It completely slipped my mind.” It seemed like all he ever did lately was apologize for one thing or another. It was too much. They needed to take a step back and slow down.

“Man, I feel like I’m drowning here. Maybe we can put this on hold for now, you know, call the realtor and tell her that we’re taking a breather.” He felt Cas tense up and hated himself for doing this, but it was better than the constant cycle of disappointment.

“Yeah. We can do that.” Cas’ voice was steady, but Dean knew him well enough to hear the tiniest bit of a tremor. There was nothing he could say right now, though, to make it better. He was done breaking promises. He was done hurting Cas.

 

 

 

Dean checked his phone again even though it had been sitting on his desk all day. It wasn’t unusual for Cas to get caught up at work, but he would usually have a break at some point where he would connect and at least check in. He considered the possibility that Cas was still mad, but even then, he didn’t resort to the silent treatment. He pushed back that little kernel of fear that was trying to blow up into full-scale panic. There had to be a logical explanation, and Dean planned to behave just as logically. He was in the process of pulling up the GPS data for Cas’ phone when Sam stuck his head through the doorway of his office.

“Hey. Wanna grab a beer real quick before you head home?”

“Count me out, but thanks.”

“Just one drink, right down the street at Brady’s. You’ll be out in thirty minutes. It’ll give us a chance to catch up.”

Normally, Dean would be all for the happy hour meeting, but tonight, he needed to get home. “Sorry, gotta pass. Cas and I are long overdue for some quality time. I’m trying to meet him for dinner.”

“Have him come out and have a drink, and then you two can head to dinner.”

“Maybe another time. We really need some time together to reconnect.”

“Are you guys having problems?”

“Nothing serious, hoping to catch up on some lost time if I can ever get a hold of him. He’s not answering my calls or texts, and his office says he left sometime before lunch.”

“Are you worried?” Sam stepped fully into his office, his mouth turned down into a concerned frown.

“Nah, I mean, I don’t think anyone is gunning for him, but then again, he doesn’t always tell me stuff. I think this is more about us than any current work problems. He just seems … off.”

“The Walker case?” Sam guessed.

It wasn’t a bad guess considering all the crap that had happened. Cas’ last audit had kicked over some stones, and warning shots had been fired. Cas hadn’t been seriously injured, but the damage was done, nonetheless. He claimed he was fine, no lingering affects other than his back, but Dean wasn’t buying it. “I haven’t been around much, but he looks beat, like he’s not sleeping. He tries to hide the fact that his back is bothering him, but I can see it on his face. I checked his meds this morning. He’s not taking the pills, and I’m all over the place, everywhere but here helping him.” Dean ran a hand through his hair, gripping the short strands and pulling hard enough for the pain to balance out his rising frustration.

“Did you bring up the GPS on the phone?”

“Was just about to hit enter before you came in,” Dean admitted. Sensing Sam’s approval, he went ahead and pulled up the tracking information on Cas’ phone. He stared at the screen, his expression turning to one of disbelief as the location came up.

“Well?” Sam prompted.

“Says he’s at this bar down the street not far from our neighborhood."

“You sure?” Sam leaned in, looking over his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Dean replied. “We’ve been there a couple of times.”

“Maybe he’s meeting a client.”

“Then his office would have mentioned it, at least by the fourth time I called looking for him.”

“Jumping to conclusions isn’t going to help,” Sam reasoned. “You just mentioned that he seemed off. Let’s go check it out and see what’s going on first.”

“You coming?” Dean asked, not wanting to presume but grateful for the support.

“Yeah. I’m sure he’s fine, but I can wingman.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Please feel free to let me know of any typos, and I'll gratefully correct them.

By the time Dean set foot in the bar, his worry was well on its way to becoming annoyance. He’d tried to keep an open mind on the way over, but he couldn’t come up with any good reason for Cas to ignore him for the past several hours. It would be one thing if the GPS had indicated he was somewhere other than a bar, lending hope to the theory that maybe Cas had just forgotten his phone, but Dean had a horrible feeling that was not going to be the case. His eyes scanned the crowded room, zeroing in on Cas sitting at the bar, nursing a glass of amber liquid. He could tell by the way he was slouched forward and the color staining his cheeks that he’d had quite a few. 

“Cas.” He tried for casual, but it was more of a bark. 

His fiancé glanced over at him with hazy eyes before returning his attention back to his drink. Whatever restraint Dean had been exerting dissipated with that dismissal. 

“Ok, we’re done.” He motioned to the bartender so he could settle the tab. He laid out a few bills including a tip and grabbed Cas’ arm. “Let’s go.”

Cas stumbled a bit but didn’t fight him. He didn’t do or say anything to even acknowledge that he knew Dean from some stranger on the street. Dean stopped and fished Cas’ keys out of his pocket and then tossed them to Sam. “Here. You drive him home. If he gets sick, it’ll be in his own damn truck.” He didn’t bother to look back as he stalked off. 

The drive home helped somewhat. He knew it was mostly fear causing his wide swing of emotions, and it took concentrated effort to rein it in. Cas was ok. Physically, at least. There was still a ton of issues hanging over their heads, but one step at a time. It wasn’t long before Sam and Cas came through the front door, Cas swaying a little as he made his way into the living room. Dean ignored him for a moment in favor of going to speak to Sam who looked as annoyed as Dean felt. 

“I tried to talk to him, but he shut me out,” Sam whispered. “I probably made things worse, but the way he was just sitting there set me off. I kind of lit into him.”

Sam was right. That probably didn’t help, but Dean understood where he was coming from. He’d felt the same protectiveness when Sam went through relationship troubles. “It’s ok. I think we’re all having an off day. Your friendship will survive this.”

Sam nodded. “Will you guys?”

“I’m not giving up. Go ahead and take the truck home. We’ll pick it up later.” His anger was dying down, and a bone deep weariness was creeping in. 

Sam nodded again even though his eyes were filled with concern. Dean walked him to the door and leaned heavily against it once Sam was gone. This day had turned out to be exactly the opposite of what he’d wanted. They were supposed to have dinner together and reconnect, do things that engaged couples do. He walked back into the living room. Cas was slouched down on the sofa, staring across the room, but Dean couldn’t tell if he was focused on anything specific. He still wouldn’t look at him. He hadn’t even bothered to take off his coat and shoes. It wasn’t unusual for Cas to withdraw somewhat when he was upset, but he never disengaged to this extent. 

“Are you that angry with me?” Dean asked. 

Still no answer. 

Exhaustion crept over him, and he just didn’t have the energy for a battle. He was well aware of his shortcomings and knew that he needed to make amends, but he certainly didn’t deserve this. Their relationship should have been stronger. 

“What the hell is going on, man? I want to fix this, but you’re not giving me much to go on.”

Cas finally looked at him, wide-eyed and accusatory. “It’s no longer your job to fix me. Besides, you failed, anyway, because I’m still broken.”

Dean ran his hand across his face and he took a breath as he wondered what had set Cas off. “What happened, Cas? Why did you leave work to spend the day sitting in a bar? What happened that made you bail? Does Anna know?”

“Anna,” he snorted, “doesn’t care what I do as long as it doesn’t involve working for her. I’m too … unfocused. She thinks it’s best for me not to be there.”

“She fired you?” Dean asked, surprised that Anna would consider letting Cas go. Even with his antisocial tendencies and blunt demeanor, Cas was one of the best auditors she had. 

Cas tipped his head back against the sofa and closed his eyes. “Don’t pretend like you care. You never liked my job,” he sighed.

“I didn’t like you being in danger, but I never wanted this.”

“Well, it’s not your problem anymore.”

“Why do you keep saying that?” Dean snapped. He took a deep breath and tried to get them back on track. “Cas, I called you all afternoon. Why didn’t you answer my calls? And why did you blow me off at the bar? Are you still that pissed?”

“I’m not petty, Dean,” Cas answered, a hint of frustration starting to bleed into his voice. “I just needed some time. I wasn’t ready to talk. I don’t know where I’m going yet. Just…just give me tonight to think, and I’ll be out of here tomorrow.”

Dean felt as if he’d just been kicked in the gut. Maybe Cas was still pretty drunk, and his anger had him confused but there was no way Dean was going along with this conversation. “Out of here? Dude, what the hell are you talking about?”

“You broke off the engagement, Anna fired me. No point in staying where I’m not wanted.”

“What?” He quickly reviewed their conversation from last night, trying to remember what he’d said. “I didn’t break off the engagement. Cas, look at me.” He leaned forward and placed his hands on Cas’ cheeks, giving the man a little shake until he lifted his head and opened his watery, bloodshot eyes. “I didn’t break the engagement.”

“What?” Cas squinted at him as if he was trying to understand his words. 

“I didn’t break the engagement,” Dean repeated, taking the time to enunciate his words, hoping that he and Cas could finally get on the same page. 

“But you said…”

“That I wanted to put the house hunting on hold. Remember? We’re supposed to call the realtor.”

“A breather,” Cas said, looking more confused. 

“As in taking a step back and catching our breath. There’s too much going on right now, and I can’t keep up. Once work settles down, I’ll be around more, and we can pick up then.” Dean hoped his words were getting through, but Cas didn’t seem to be any happier. “Are you following me? I didn’t call off the wedding or break up.”

Cas nodded, and his response was heartbreakingly underwhelming. Dean was hoping for relief, happiness, sheepishness, just something other than acknowledgement. Still, it had been an emotional twenty-four hours for Cas and that didn’t account for whatever Dean had been picking up on previously. Hopefully, clearing up this misunderstanding would be enough to get them off shaky ground. 

“Why don’t you head upstairs and lie down for a bit, and I’ll take care of dinner.” Dean stood and held out his hand. Cas allowed himself to be pulled up and steered towards the stairs. After watching to make sure he was steady on his feet, Dean turned and headed back towards the kitchen. Cas had just taken him through a roller coaster of emotions, and he was feeling raw. He needed a minute. 

 

It was after 10pm before Dean carried a tray of food upstairs. “Cas. Time to wake up and eat, man.” He placed the tray on the dresser and went over to the bed. He was pretty sure that Cas would have slept the entire night through, but Dean wanted him to have some food in his stomach. He hated waking him, though. With as tired as Cas had seemed over the past two days, his body mostly likely needed the rest. 

After a couple of shoulder nudges, Cas started to stir. “Hey Sleeping Beauty. I brought dinner. Sit up. I wasn’t sure what your stomach could handle so I made soup.” Dean noticed the slight wince as Cas shifted but that was a conversation for later. He brought the food over and handed Cas his bowl and then took a seat on his side of the bed. 

He remained quiet while Cas took several sips of the soup. It wasn’t much but it was enough for Dean to feel comfortable that his stomach wouldn’t turn on him later. 

“Are you ready to talk because I really think we should.” 

Cas sighed and placed his bowl on his nightstand. He still seemed a bit haggard, most likely the effect of the alcohol, but Dean didn’t want to put this off any longer. He waited while Cas seemed to be struggling to find the words. 

“I apologize for my behavior today and causing you to worry.”

Dean nodded. “I’m sorry for the misunderstanding last night. And I’m sorry for making you feel like that, like I didn’t want this. Didn’t want you.” Even with the apologies, Dean still felt as if he and Cas were miles apart. “I need you to talk to me. Is it because I’ve been working so much? Do you feel like I bailed on you? Did something happen while I was away? Did you change your mind? Do you not want this? I need something to go on here.”

“I want this,” Cas answered, “but I just don’t know if it’s going to work.”

Ok, Cas was still invested. He could work with this although it did bother him that Cas wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Why not? Do I need to work less hours? Do you want to wait a while before getting married? Do you want to move up the date?” He hated asking questions. He felt as if he was interrogating him, but he wanted to give Cas something to grab onto, a starting point. 

Cas fiddled with the blanket, but Dean waited patiently. “I thought I could handle it. I understand that your family and job come first. And I would never ask you to walk away from Ben. That’s not what I want, but I don’t know what to do with these feelings.”

Dean reached out and took hold of Cas’ hand, hoping to give him some reassurance. He’d suspected that he’d been feeling a bit neglected so his words didn’t come as a big surprise, but he still didn’t have a solution beyond trying to show Cas how much he loved him. And that would take time. 

“You’re not wrong. My family is very important to me, and I love Ben as if he was mine. I also love you, so much so that I asked you to marry me. There has to be a way for this to work. We found a balance before, and we can do it again. I mean, you haven’t felt like this all the time, have you?” Dean asked, a little nervous as that last thought took hold. 

“No, but we weren’t this serious before.”

“I dunno. I was pretty serious when I proposed. 

“I don’t think your family is expecting us to last.”

“It’s not up to them.”

“I don’t want to be obligation, Dean. I want you to want this.”

“How can you doubt that?” 

“I understand that you have commitments and need to work, but when you’re here, you still seem like you’re running on autopilot. I get that you’re trying to take care of me, but I feel like another client, another thing to check off your list.”

Dean felt hurt, but this is what he needed. If he didn’t know what Cas was thinking, then he couldn’t fix them. “I know things have been a little crazy with work, but I’ve already talked to Dad about sharing some of the load with Benny so that when I’m here, I’ll have some help. And work won’t always be this hectic. I just need you to stick with me a little longer.”

“Why?” Cas asked. “You’re always going to be busy, and I’ll just be one more thing you have to manage.”

“I have never managed you,” Dean replied, starting to feel some of that earlier frustration return. 

Cas arched a brow and gave him that look that says he thinks Dean’s full of crap. “Staying with your parents?”

“We did that because it was the safest place for you to recover. That’s what families do.”

“But Dean, they don’t see me as family, not yet anyways. They don’t,” he insisted when Dean started to protest. “I’ve heard enough of your dad’s side comments to know how he feels. And Sam laid into me pretty good tonight.”

“That’s because he knew how worried I was. And you deserved it.”

“Tell me, Dean, did you ever speak harshly to Ruby? You’ve told me how much you didn’t like her. When she hurt your brother, did you call her selfish? Did you warn her that she didn’t deserve Sam and that she needed to be better?”

He wanted to defend Sam, but he knew Cas was right. Ruby hadn’t been good for Sam, but he’d held his tongue, never crossing the line of going directly at her. “Sammy likes you, man. He may have been out of line, but he was paying you respect by coming to you. I didn’t think enough of Ruby to bother, didn’t trust her not to twist things around. In my family, we talk to each other.”

“Maybe,” Cas offered. 

“There’s more,” Dean guessed. “What else?”

“Dean.”

“No, Cas. Spit it out. This is why we keep having these problems. You won’t talk to me,” he argued, a definite edge to his voice. 

“Fine,” Cas snapped, turning so he was looking directly at Dean. “When is the last time we were intimate?”

Of all the things Cas could have said, Dean wasn’t expecting that. “What?”

“It’s not a hard question. When is the last time we were intimate?”

“You know damn well that there hasn’t been much time. I’m working and your back….”

“My back is more than fine for anything we’d want to do. You haven’t initiated once since my accident, and you’ve rebuffed all of my attempts.”

“Because you’re hurt!”

“Stop handling me!” Cas shouted before getting up and going into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him. 

“Dammit!” Dean slung his arm out, sending the items on his nightstand flying onto the floor. It stung to know that Cas had been holding all of this in. He’d thought Cas was just upset about the missed appointments with the realtor, but apparently Cas had quite a few issues with him. He took a deep breath and counted to one hundred before he followed him to the bathroom. “Hey, I’m coming in,” he announced after he gave a short knock. 

Cas was standing in front of the sink, his forearms braced against the counter. He looked utterly defeated. Dean could see the signs of the hangover, but in this unguarded moment, he could also see that his fiancé was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

“Cas.”

“Dean. I don’t want to fight.”

He held up his hand in a peaceful manner as he moved closer to him. “Not here to fight,” he told him as he began rubbing circles along his back. He could feel the muscles bunched under his hand. No wonder his back wasn’t healing. He started gently kneading the muscles, hoping to work out some of the knots. 

“Babe, I’m sorry. I honestly wasn’t trying to blow you off. I thought if we gave your back a chance to heal completely, then you’d be fine. I didn’t want to cause you any setbacks.”

“You just assumed I wouldn’t know my limits? Dean, there are plenty of things we could have done.”

“I know. I just didn’t think you’d be in the mood, and I didn’t want to be that insensitive ass boyfriend who wanted to get off at your expense.” 

“And when I tried to initiate?” Cas pressed. 

Dean hesitated, torn between wanting to be honest but also not wanting to kick up another fight. “I still thought I was doing the right thing. It usually takes you a while to get going, and you usually come pretty hard. I didn’t think all that tensing up would be good for you.” 

He watched as Cas seemed to shrink in on himself and take on what Dean secretly referred to as his poor puppy pout. He started to pull away, but Dean wrapped his arm around his waist and stepped closer to him. “Stop. That’s not a dig. I love how we are together and how you respond to me. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I should have asked you. I did exactly what I’m always bitching about, not talking. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t mean for…this to happen.”

“I know. I’m not mad. I was, but I understand a little better now. Sometimes it sucks to hear, but it has to be said. Keeping it in just screws things up.”

Cas gave him a little nod and a hint of a smile. 

“So, you need to tell me,” he pressed. “I promise we’ll be ok.” It was a hefty promise but one he felt comfortable making. They needed to clear the air, deal with whatever it was head on so they could move forward. Dean could freely admit that he was part of the problem, but Cas was obviously shouldering something else, something that was throwing him off balance. 

“I don’t feel well,” Cas told him. 

“What? Are you going to be sick?”

“No. I mean, everything is wrong. My back hurts all the time. The therapy helps but not enough. The pills make me feel … distant. I hate that feeling. I can’t ever get comfortable, and I can’t sleep.” Cas took a deep breath before whispering, “When I close my eyes, I’m back in that stairwell.”

Dean had suspected as much. “Now was that so hard?” he asked with a gentle smile, hoping to put Cas at ease.

“You wouldn’t understand.” Cas pulled away from him. “You face potentially dangerous situations all the time, and it doesn’t phase you. Your entire family turned it into your life’s work. A freakin’ smoke bomb goes off, and I can’t even function.”

“Ok, no. You need to stop talking right now and listen to me. It’s not the same thing. Alistair is a sadistic bastard, and that smoke bomb could have just as easily been a real bomb. It still caused fear and panic and injured people.”

“I understand what he is, but you said I wasn’t in danger anymore. I don’t feel worried. I’m not looking over my shoulder. It’s only when I close my eyes. I should be able to move beyond this.”

“And you will. Maybe you need a little help.”

“You never need help.”

“That’s not true.”

“Dean, you were shot at, and it didn’t phase you.”

“Because I’ve been through it before, Cas. It’s my job. And you know that my dad and Bobby require us to do mandatory counseling sessions. I’ve talked to counselors dozens of times. I’ve learned various coping methods. Have you talked to anyone?” he challenged. 

“I’ve been threatened on an audit before, Dean,” he replied, not answering the question. 

“Yeah, think I might remember since that’s how we met.” 

“I was fine then, so why now?”

“I can’t answer that. It could be the back pain is putting additional stress on you. Maybe since this is the second time, you feel more susceptible. I don’t know, Cas, but I do know it’s not about ego or being strong. There’s no shame in getting help.”

“Great. Another problem that you have to fix. Your family must think I’m a real prize,” Cas said, blinking back tears. 

“Grand prize, baby.” He wrapped his arms around Cas and hugged him close. “It’s not about them. It’s about us, and we’ll do this together.”

Cas just seemed to sag into him, and Dean could feel the strength leaving him. He tightened his grip, mindful of his back. He’d been about to suggest a hot shower, but he didn’t think Cas had the energy to stand under the spray, even with his help.

“Let’s call it a night. I’ll see if I can get some of these back muscles loosened up, and maybe we can both get a good night’s sleep. Go ahead and get ready for bed, and I’ll be up as soon as I lock up downstairs.” He gave Cas a reassuring kiss and then left the bathroom. He quickly picked up the items from his nightstand and then gathered up the dishes and headed down to the kitchen.

He took a few extra minutes to get himself together. He was confident that their relationship hadn’t suffered any real damage, but the scare had been very real. Taking in everything Cas said, it all made sense now. No wonder he was flailing around. It might take a while, but he was positive that he could help him through this as well as start shoring up their relationship. 

 

Cas was already in bed by the time he made it back upstairs. He thought about taking a quick shower first, but decided against it. He stripped down to his underwear and crawled under the covers. 

“Ok, time to work some magic.” With the alcohol Cas had consumed, Dean was reluctant to suggest any of his meds. He started with a gentle press of his fingers, watching Cas’ reaction to determine how he should proceed. Cas moaned and seemed to sink into the mattress. 

“There we go,” Dean muttered. “Just relax and let Dr. Dean take care of everything.” Cas huffed out what he hoped was a laugh. 

“How can you be so calm? I lost my job, Dean. We can’t buy our house now. I can’t even…”

Dean shushed him. “This is life, Cas. Happily ever after doesn’t mean that everything is perfect all the time. Shit’s gonna happen, and we have to deal with it. And we will. Together. That’s what it’s about. You’re the person I want beside me, and I hope you feel the same.”

Cas rolled over and looked up at him with sad, red-rimmed eyes. “I do. It’s just hard when you’re the one who’s only bringing problems to the table.”

Dean rolled his eyes but gave him an affectionate kiss as he gathered him in his arms. “I promise you that’s not the case. But when you’re low on faith, you can borrow mine. And one day, when I’m down and my strength is low…” He nudged Cas.

“You can borrow mine,” Cas whispered. 

“Damn straight.”


End file.
